how great His love

you know, i did something really horrible.. and now thinking back on it (actually it was just yesterday) i cant stop crying because it breaks my heart..

yesterday i made my parents worry because they didnt know where i was (i was in house 1).. i made them look and search every single room on every floor of wisma fga.. and then i made them frantic by not answering my phone (which was in my bag) it's not something i'm proud of to begin with.. i felt so guilty when i found out that i just couldnt stop crying.. i felt so bad, so terrible, so utterly inhumane.. i blamed myself and i knew i could forgive myself, but i just didnt want to.. i thought how could i make the two ppl who love me the most in the world, go through that.. do you know what runs through our parents' mind when they cant find us at the place we said we would? or if you dont pick up even after 13 missed calls? do you know that mothers (well my mother at least) cant sleep knowing that their child has not yet returned home, no matter how late?

recently i asked God to show me or rather enlightened me that i may understand what His love really was and what it meant when He said He loves us.. such a simple and basic thing and yet i felt i hadnt fully comprehend His great love even though i sing of it every sunday.. guess what? He showed me the most painful way exactly how much He loves us.. He showed me through my parents..

try closing your eyes and imagine this.. two parents, who love their children so much searching every room, every floor, frantically.. it's almost 1030, they were suppose to pick their beloved daughter thirty minuts ago, but wait.. she's not where she said she would be.. she had been out since 4.. a million gazillion things run through their minds.. where is she? where is she? their hearts beating fast, their tired after a full day's activities, but their mind is sharp just hoping to catch a glimpse of their child somewhere, anywhere would do.. their heart refusing to believe that anything should happen to their daughter.. i believe this would be a parent's worst nightmare.. i'm serious.. if you can imagine what it would be like.. then you would understand what i'm trying to say

you see, it was almost as if i put my parents through torture.. they dont wanna think about it but what if she's kidnapped? what if she's fainted somewhere? what if she's dying and no one's helping her? what if she's in the hospital? you might laugh when you read this but i honestly, with all my heart believe that these things run through their minds.. in this world where crime is abundant how can they not worry, plus the fact that it's already late...

God's love.. far exceeds that.. that's why the Shepherd went out to look for that one lost lamb.. that's why He continued searching even though He had cut His feet on sharp rock... that is why Jesus went through pain and suffering on the cross.. can you imagine how powerful a love like that? can you just stop and think about it for a second.. you know our brains compare things to what we have seen and what we know.. say the largest thing ever is the universe.. so would it make sense if i said God's love is more than that? i hadnt understood that fully back then.. but now i know He really loves us.. that there is no measure to His love.. for what can we measure it to? not even to the biggest thing existing...

my dad shouted at me all the way home.. i knew i deserved it.. in fact i condemned myself.. how could i? i just kept asking myself that.. he said some pretty bad things.. about yc, and about the pastors.. and i felt even worse.. it's kills me that because of my mistake i actually tarnished someone's reputation.. and it also hurt me that i had hurt my parents.. so i just felt like doing this.. but it doesnt make me feel any better.. the guilt that still grips me wont go away for a long time.. but the lesson i learned is most valuable by far.. at least now i can tell my cg members about God's great love without pretending that i know when i actually dont..